Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Changes


I'm seriously thinking of going back to school. In fact I've taken steps towards that end. I'm starting to hate my job. It's a frustrating job with a high turn over and a high rate of burnout. I think I'm beginning to burn out.


I'm really good at alot of things, but I just haven't figured out how to make money with my talents. I love to write and am constantly told I'm a good writer, but have never tried to sell anything I've written. I love to garden and have beautiful gardens in my yard. I've put an example on here for all tosee. I'm an excellent cook. I can go through my cupboards and with a bunch of odds and ends make a delicious meal. But none of those talents have provided me with an income.


I'm not scared to go back to school. I'm actually excited. I love to learn. I'm scared about my income. Or my lack of income when I'm a student. But I have to look at it as an investment for a better job and a better income. It's going to take alot of hardwork and some luck, but hopefully by this time next year, I'll have a new career and a new outlook on my working life.


Sunday, June 3, 2007

Lovers Again

My husband and I just had the most fun weekend that we've had in many months. We laughed together, we talked and poured out our hearts to one another, and we spent alot of quality time together.

This is my second major relationship. My first started when I was 17. It ended when I was 35. I met the man I'm currently with in March of 2000. I was 40 and a half. I wasn't looking for a committed relationship and didn't want one either. I was having fun being single. I could date whomever I wanted. I didn't have to answer to anyone. And after spending the last few years of my marriage in sadness and anxiety, it was a relief to feel happy again.

But this guy was persistent. He persued me, and what woman doesn't like being persued? He wore me down, got under my skin and voila....seven years later here we are. At first it was all honeymoon. He had his place, I had mine and we had fun. Lots of sex and lots of fun. But he wanted more and eventually I agreed that he move in with me and my four (count them) four kids. It's been a tough road. In hindsight, it wasn't one of my smartest moves. We've had some great difficulties and the honeymoon period ended a few years ago. But I love him and I don't want to be without him.

And this past weekend reminded me of what fun it is to be with him and how special he can make me feel, if only I let him. He makes me feel like the most important woman in the world. And the most desireable. I know that his loyality knows no bounds and he will stand with me through whatever comes my way. And really, in life, what more can we ask for?

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Surviving Depression

I have major depression. I was diagnosed about four years ago. I took medication for a little over a year and then felt like I was "cured", so I stopped. Big mistake. Nine months later I was in the middle of a major relapse. Very ill. I've now been on medication for two years and four months.

The medication saved my life. I believe that. But it brings along it's own baggage. I've gained weight, my sex drive disappeared and I became very complacent. I kind of stopped caring about things. Well, it's not like I didn't care,but I didn't care enough to do anything about it. Very lethargic. Very complacent. I stopped seeing my friends. And I didn't nuture my relationship with my husband. We stopped having sex and eventually didn't even sleep in the same bed. It didn't bother me at the time and I wasn't emotionally enough aware that it did bother him.

I cut my dosage back starting in February and this past month I'm feeling the result of that. There are good things. I think about sex a lot again. I'm madly in love with my husband again. I lost 15 lbs. But my feelings which had been protected by the haze of the drugs are now exposed and raw. I feel sadness, hurt feelings and lonliness, emotions that didn't exist with the full dosage. My husband has withdrawn some. Not entirely. But he told me two weeks ago that I had changed. And I'm trying to understand how that has made him feel. I crave the closeness that we used to have. And I'm afraid that maybe I took it forgranted. I can only hope that he will see the woman he fell in love with....and fall in love with her again.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

My husband drinks, not everyday, but he drinks. Today he's gone for the day to visit his mother. I don't expect him back today. In fact I asked him that if he runs into someone there, in that city, that he spend the night there and not drive home. I guess this is my new tact. When I met him he didn't drink. He had been four years out of rehab and didn't drink or smoke. I found that very refreshing. After all the Friday nights I had spent in bars with men less than sober, I liked the fact that he was always clear headed and seemed so much in control. But after a year he started to drink again.

It's been a long road. He's attempted to"quit" three times, but I've come to the conclusion that isn't going to happen. Drinking is a release to him. It allows him to feel and to express his feelings in a way he doesn't seem to be able to when he's sober. He has such a tight control over his emotions all the time, and when he drinks, that control is lessened. But after a certain amount of time of drinking he becomes angry. And all the pain and anger that is inside him shows. I've only realized in the past little while that the control that he has is to keep that pain and anger in check. Otherwise he'd go crazy and be unable to function in the world. Or at least in my world.

I've tried so many tactics to get him to admit his problem and get help again to quit. But I've had to come to the realization that it's not my job to do that. It's his job. I have to stop trying to own it and let it go. If he goes to Saint John today and he drinks. Well, he drinks. I told him before he left what I need of him. I need him to be responsible and stay the night there and drive home sober in the morning.

My husband and I have drifted apart lately. I wanted to blame him, that's so much easier. After all, he's the one with the problem, right? But I had to hear some harsh truths from him a couple of weeks ago. I'm also pushing him away. So, I had to take a look at myself and my methods of dealing with him and re-evaluate. I love him. I truly do. I wish I didn't. I was so much happier when I didn't love any man. Both relationships that I have been in have made me unhappy to a certain degree. I'm been thinking about that and wondering what it is that makes that the case. Is it the type of man I pick? Or is it the type of person I am?? I believe loving someone makes you vulnerable. And I hate that. How can you be strong when you're vulnerable.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Wow! This is New

Well, well. I've got my very own blog.

I can't believe it was so easy. I love to write. It's one of my favourite things to do. I don't know if this is a good idea or a bad idea, but here I am anyway.

I think I'm considered middle aged now. 47 years old. The back of my hands look middle aged. The lines around my mouth and eyes sure do too. But inside my head I don't feel much different than I did when I was 19. Oh, I have much more experience now. I'm much more wary of the world and what it can do to you. But I still feel like I'm the same. My mom is 71 and I wonder if she still feels like the girl she was. I bet she does.

I don't like the way I look now. I'm overweight. I feel dowdy. Dowdy is NOT word that would have been used to describe me back in my late 30's. I was single for almost 6 years. From 35 to 41. I was happy single. I really was. I looked after myself and I looked good. I had alot of fun and I was never lonely. Mind you I was raising four kids. Hard to be lonely. But those were good days. Now I"m fat, tired and depressed most of the time. Things have got to change. But where do I start?